Justice

Everything provokes me into hysterical questions about my own identity. Two different me -s are fighting fiercely. I feel like my future depends on which one will win. It's sick, it's mad. None of them reflected on my face. I'm prisoned in them and in my apperance. Everyday being more and more malignant, whiny and empty. Hating myself.

And should I go back to him? Am I determined? If I can't control myself and always be unhappy what's the difference what I choose? Maybe it's wise to spend your life next to man who loves and cares?

I read some time ago that " the whole thing is all just about having someone who would hold your purse"

Watching again a film from my prom night. Joy by choice. Dance by joy. Hating  apperance. People I know. People just dancing in nice outfits.

But that was a good night. Past life. No continueing.

And what? Yes... Another thing I read and what I do feel - it's always a mad ride from being too confident and vain to absolutely hating and depreciating my value. No middle. No fucking middle point.

 Do I madly need admiration?! Do I?! Eternal pursuit. Cultural pressure. Disguesting.

I think I should shut up and just stay only a fuckin  intelectualist.

clickk